Ethical Treatment of Zombies

Q: Are your zombies humanely treated?

A: Is “humane” the word you’re really looking for? Our zombies are treated with the utmost respect and care deserving of the undead. While it is true that they are kept in cages, there is plenty of room for them to wobble back and forth and lurch toward passers by. We learned early on that manacles and chains are unnecessary and can pull off valuable limbs. We use only biodegradable bedding materials such as corn husks, oat hulls, and wood chips.

Although we can’t legally feed our zombies human brains, they receive a daily brain substitute made with texturized soy protein and delivered in a realistic animatronic mannequin that lets out authentic cries for help and pleas for mercy. They love it! We also don’t beat our zombies with shovels, hack at them with machetes, or shoot them in the faces with shotguns. “Life” at Harcos Laboratories is far more relaxed than in the real world, where zombies are routinely abused and even killed.

Q: Are your zombies natural? A: As natural as the weaponized synthetic recombinant retrovirus that created them is! We only use zombies created by the original lab-experiment-gone-wrong H1FU2 virus and not any other weaponized apocalypse-causing death strains. Also, it is Harcos Laboratories policies not to create any new zombies, instead we harvest one of the billions of naturally occurring zombies. Q: How is Zombie Blood extracted? A: Zombie Blood is extracted using the safest and most humane methods known. When it’s a zombie’s turn to be milked, it is walked down to our extraction lab. There, a trained phlebotomist straps down the zombie, carefully cleans either a remaining patch of skin, or a vein directly, and inserts a standard IV needle. Less than 2 pints of blood are extracted in each session. The zombie is given a cookie and some orange juice, and then walked back to its cage.

Q: How can I arrange a tour of Harcos Laboratories?

A: Due to several incidents, tours are no longer given of our zombie lab or related research facilities. On a related note, we recently acquired more zombies to bleed.